Just some thoughts (on how to ruin your kids' lives). . .

For the past couple of weeks, our family has temporily grown to include two elementary school-aged children who need a safe place to stay for a while. In many ways it’s been a challenge to jump suddenly from 2 to 4 kids (especially older ones!) and to take on a whole new level of (constant!) instruction and teaching and loving on a couple of hurting little hearts, but what a privilege to have the opportunity to pour into two precious little souls for a time and to have two more constant little reminders in our home of what Christ did for us in bringing us into His family when we were pretty unlovable.

It has also been a joy to watch our own children interact with these new additions and to see how by now Javen doesn’t even question why new children are living here again – he just unquestioningly welcomes them into his home and family with open arms, and Malachi has followed his lead. Our kids can teach us so much.

Over the last couple years of fostering and adoption, we’ve gotten the “but what about your 'own' children?” comment many times from caring people who think we are not being fair to Javen or Malachi . . . or that we are certainly ruining our children’s lives . . . or that we are somehow going against our Biblical responsibility to our children or each other by bringing other children with many needs into our home while our “own” children are still so little and needy.

I agree wholeheartedly that we have a biblical responsibility to love and care for and protect our children. There have been and will be seasons in life when some of our “own” children may require that we scale back on certain things to focus on a need or a lesson for a time. We cannot and ought not throw our own families and their needs by the wayside in order to meet the needs of others. It doesn't have to be one or the other, though. I don’t think the “your own children are the most important children” philosophy holds any Biblical weight, and I've never noticed a “but only after your ‘own’ children are grown” or "but only if there is no risk involved" caveat after all the many verses that tell us to love, serve, and sacrifice our lives unto Christ and the Gospel and to protect and defend the fatherless. We can't possibly be living out Christ's command to "Go into all the world" if we follow this "me and mine first" mentality.

After all, were families created to glorify God and to hold out Christ's love to a lost and dying world, or is our primary purpose to keep ourselves and our families safe and comfortable and make sure our own kids know Jesus loves them while we stay sheltered from it all?

And how can we really be fulfilling our Biblical mandate to instruct our children in the Lord if we are just teaching them with words and not through our lifestyle and actions, walking alongside them and instructing them in God's word as we give them ample opportunities to actually live out what Jesus teaches?

We tell them to rely on God and then we carefully structure our lives so that we need Him as little as possible . . . and then we scratch our heads and wonder why our teens/young adults are leaving the church by the thousands.

So often (for me, anyway) it can be all too tempting to use my kids as a justification to excuse myself from the command of loving our neighbors as ourselves. In our desire to take care of our own kids, it's all too easy to forget that they are all His children. Instead, shouldn't our kids be an impetus for us to love more and better so that they may have opportunities to learn Biblical love? I don’t want to shield my children from the hurts and injustices in the world. I want their eyes to be opened to what sin and separation from God has done in our world and I want them to grow up wanting to do something about it.

We need to teach our children that loving our neighbor as ourselves is not just an every-now-and-then thing. Loving our neighbor as ourselves doesn't just happen when it's fun or if it fits easily into our convenient little schedule or if we can ensure that it is completely risk-free. It goes far beyond taking someone a meal every now and then (not that meals are bad - we have been the very grateful recipients this year of some delicious meals on hard days!).

Afterall, we love ourselves A LOT. Loving our neighbor as ourselves means we have to learn to think about ourselves a whole lot less so we have room think about others more. It’s hard. It’s often inconvenient. It is sacrificial. There are risks. And it will bless us to pieces and require us to walk with God every step of our day, drawing on his strength, grace, and mercy. It will fill us with gratitude and humility because we will know that in light of what He has done for us, nothing we can do is even close to worthy of being called a sacrifice. We will think we are blessing someone else when really we ourselves are the ones being hugely blessed. We will hear our 2-year-olds (those same ones whose lives we are ruining by bringing other kids into our home) tell us how they are sharing their room and their mommy and daddy so that some other kids can know that Jesus loves them.

“Keeping our doors locked and never letting people in will never teach our children – or ourselves – that all we are and all we have belongs to Christ. It is our job to teach them that no matter who walks through our doors, they are welcomed and we will love. . . They all come from a gracious heavenly Father who pours out good gifts. We need to pour those gifts out to others so that they can say, 'God intervened and sent me help.'.....We have to get into the habit of giving of ourselves completely. Poured out like the rain. Taking chances and saying, "it's all Gods anyway." My time, my money, my home are all His anyway..So unlock your doors. . .Sometimes, loving others requires hard things, getting rid of our own selfishness, and our rights to comfort and time. . . Nothing I do today is more important then teaching my children to love and to love well." ~Robyn

It's the Simple Things . . .

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~Psalm 118:24

"We do not remember days, we remember moments." ~Cesare Pavese

Enjoy the little things, for one day, you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~Robery Brault

"It isn't the great pleasures that count the most; it's making a great deal out of the little ones." ~Jean Webster

"Memories, important yesterdays, were once todays. Treasure and notice today." ~Gloria Gaither

"Seeing our Father in everything makes life one long thanksgiving and gives rest of the heart." ~Hannah Whithall-Smith

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Just a Little Malachi Update

MALACHI THEN . . .

AND NOW . . .

A lot of people have been asking us about Malachi and his adjustment lately, so here’s an update . . . Malachi has been a part of our family for over 5 1/2 months now and home in America for more than three months. In his five months as a part of our family, Malachi has gone from 16 pounds and wearing size 6 months clothes to 26 pounds and a size 2T. We have had the joy of watching him transform from a malnourished, lethargic, depressed infant into a laughing toddler. We’ve watched him go from no mobility to scooting, to crawling, to now taking his first steps in just 5 short months. He has gone from not talking or communicating at all to communicating through grunts and fits, to attempting to copy our words and learning to sign some of his needs and wants. So much progress made and so many HUGE milestones reached in such a short time.

Malachi has been a precious addition to our family, and it was so easy for all of us to fall in love with him (as you can see, he is totally irresistable!). It has been sweet to watch his funny little personality begin to emerge. It has been nothing short of amazing to watch his transformation from a sick, lifeless orphan into our laughing, joyful son. It has been a joy to be his parents, to have the privilege to be the ones to delight in a precious child who has never experienced being delighted in (at least not since the first few months of his life), to share his first steps, first words, and so many other firsts. It was an indescribable feeling when our son for the first time said the words “Mommy” and “Daddy.” It has been humbling to think that God could have chosen anyone to be this little boy’s family and that in His kindness he chose us. We are forever grateful that He did.

Malachi’s first five months with us have have been so joyful and yet at the same time so difficult and heartbreaking in many ways. Some days he seems like a well-adjusted (though still a bit developmentally delayed), normal 2-year-old, and during other days and nights the smallest incidents provoke huge fits of panic, exposing the dark corners of his young life, evidences of the things that have been done to him - or not done for him - and things he has experienced and seen, many of which we may never know about but that have left deep scars on his little heart. Because of his many months of living with painful, gnawing hunger, his little mind still can’t fathom that there will always be another meal, that he can trust us to meet his need for food. Loss after loss in his young life have left deep scars on his heart and a deep fear of abandonment, and when he wakes at night and reaches out for me but doesn’t find me quickly enough, the result is often an attack of sheer panic. My tears have more than once mingled with his as I hold him tight to my heart and whisper over and over that we are his family and that he is not alone and mourn with him for the many nights that he was alone. It is heartbreaking to know your son was hungry and you weren’t there to feed him. That he was sick and I wasn’t there to care for him, that he was crying and hurt and confused and I wasn’t there to hold him and sing to him and whisper words of reassurance into his ears. While I will always mourn the many months of his life that I missed, I am so grateful that Malachi is in our arms and our home now, and we look forward to and pray for the continued healing of his little heart.

Overall, Malachi is doing amazingly well. I will say that we have found that adoptive parenting is WAY harder and more exhausting than “regular” parenting, requiring even more thought, wisdom (fortunately we have many friends who have walked this road ahead of us and who have much wisdom to impart!), and creativity to be applied every single step of the way as we need to be aware of and address physical and emotional needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week with very few breaks (we still can’t leave Malachi with anyone else and I think he has been away from my side maybe a total of 8 hours - night or day - in the last 5 months!), but it is also incredibly rewarding to watch a life transformed in your own living room and to be constantly reminded through our son of the sacrifice God made for us in adopting us into His family. In light of that, nothing we do is even close to worthy of being called a sacrifice!

We are grateful for our new son and cannot wait to see the plans the Lord has for Malachi’s life.

Sweet Sleepers

I'm not sure how they keep ending up in matching sleep positions, but it sure is cute!

Our First 3 Weeks Home

If I had to choose one word to describe these past three weeks home, it would be "joy." A close second would be "gratitude."

I am so grateful to be home with my husband again. My heart overflows as I watch my sons enjoying their father and LOVING getting to play with him again. They truly couldn't have a better Daddy, and I think they know it.

Tears fill my eyes multiple times a day as I watch Malachi transform a little bit more each hour, slowly but steadily gaining confidence that we are his family and that he is here to stay.

What pure joy it is seeing the light in the eyes that a few short months ago were dull and lifeless. . .

hearing the sweet belly laughter from a child who 14 weeks ago did not know how to smile . . .

hearing "Mama" and "Daddy" for the first time come from the lips of this child who was an orphan just weeks ago . . .

seeing Javen's love and protectiveness for his new brother when we were so prepared for jealousy and squabbling . . .

I could go on and on. The days have been filled with sweetness and precious moments.

I am humbled and grateful and completely undeserving of this sweet blessing, of this precious life entrusted to our family, of this ever-present reminder of our own transformation and redemption in Christ. I'm in awe of the God who is allowing us to be a part of Malachi's story and who brought us together from opposite sides of the earth. Adoption is no less a miracle than pregnancy and childbirth, and even more so in so many ways. We are blessed. Pictures to follow . . .

Favorite Family Pictures From Uganda

Very first family-of-four picture

First Court Hearing

On the Shores of Lake Victoria

Boat ride on Lake Victoria

At the Source of the Nile River

Boat Ride on the Nile

Visiting Bujagali Falls on the Nile River in Jinja

Where Nile River begins out of Lake Victoria

Dear Friends and Family

We are finally making plans to bring our precious new son home! As Malachi's parents and forever family, we are committed to doing what we believe is best to help him thrive. This will take a lot of work on our part and understanding and cooperation from everyone around us. Because you care for our family, we want to share the following information to help you assist us in laying a strong and healthy emotional foundation for Malachi.

FORMING ATTACHMENT. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time. In a normal parent/child relationship, when a child communicates a physical or emotional need, a parent meets the need and soothes the child. This attachment cycle repeats over and over again, creating a trusting and secure relationship between the child and her parents. By God's design, a foundation of attachment is laid in the tiniest of babies that will profoundly impact their behavior, learning, health, emotions, relationships, and values for the rest of their lives.

INTERRUPTIONS IN ATTACHMENT. Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this attachment process. The loss of biological parents at an early age is a major trauma on their little hearts, whether they are a few weeks or several years old. Spending time in an orphanage with a rotation of caretakers disrupts the attachment process even further.

RECREATING ATTACHMENT. In his first two months with me (Whitney), Malachi has adjusted wonderfully but is understandably overwhelmed. He has lost the only caregivers that he remembers, and everything around him is new and different. He is just beginning to learn about his environment, love, and family; he did not experience God's design for a family in an orphanage setting for his last 14 months of life. The best way for Scott and me to form a parent/child bond with Malachi is to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, kiss, instruct, soothe, and feed him for these first few months at home. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. During this time, as part of the "cocooning" process, Malachi will have structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us that is different than a child who enters a family at birth. Please be assured that we did not make these decisions lightly: our adjustment and parenting plan has been thoughtfully made based on many months of prayer, education, and research.

As we promptly and consistently meet all of his needs in a predictable, secure environment, Malachi will learn that we are his parents, that the world is a good place, that his needs make sense, and that he can trust us to meet his needs and love him deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn parent/child connection. After Malachi establishes this important bond with us, he will be able to form other meaningful relationships and modulate his emotions, and – Lord willing – grow into a healthy, well-adjusted, Godly young man, notwithstanding the challenges in his little life that brought him to us.

HOW YOU MAY HELP. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Malachi hugged, cuddled, and cherished by ALL of you (he is, after all, totally irresistible!). Until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, however, we would be grateful if you would limit your physical contact with him and redirect him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection, or comfort. Sharing this request is difficult for us because we do not want to seem ungrateful for how well all of you have loved our family and prayed for this sweet boy for the past year, but it is necessary because of Malachi's circumstances.

Please set physical boundaries. It is important that other adults refrain from what is typically considered normal physical contact with Malachi. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. Children who have spent time in an orphanage are inclined to superficially attach to anyone and everyone, which hinders their most important primary relationship with their new parents. By setting physical boundaries as the adult, you will help Malachi learn the difference between you and us. Waving, blowing kisses, and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome! Please redirect Malachi’s desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone else (including family, friends, and strangers), to having Scott or me meet them until primary attachments have been established.

RISK. If we seem overly focused on this topic, we are: this is too important to get wrong. Children who fail to establish a healthy bond with their parents may suffer the rest of their lives with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which causes severe interpersonal and behavioral difficulties into adulthood. While we want to let you hold and love on Malachi, the risk is too great these first few months, and the potential consequences too devastating. We hope that you will understand and support us in making these tough choices for Malachi’s long term well-being.

We are incredibly blessed to have so many friends and loved ones around us. Thank you again for your love, prayers, and support during our adoption journey. We have been incredibly blessed by all of you during these past months and appreciate your support as we adjust to life as a family of four!

The Best Kind of News!!!

After months of waiting and disappointment and frustration, the paperwork we were waiting for came through this week, and we are FINALLY able to file for court! We are waiting for a court date (which may not come with much notice) and hope to be in Uganda very soon to meet the baby boy we have already fallen in love with and have been praying for and longing to hold in our arms since October.

A father to the fatherless,
a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families
~Psalm 68:5-6a

Praising the Lord today for his faithfulness in placing this precious lonely child in a family! We're coming for you soon, Malachi!

Out of the Hospital!!!

We were so grateful to get word today that Malachi and the other sick babies from his orphanage were released from the hospital. Please pray for their continued recovery and for our process to go as quickly and smoothly as possible (there are currently more delays and hoops to jump through over the next couple of weeks - so frustrating!) so that we and all these other babies' families can get over there and bring them home SOON!

Thanks for your prayers for our sweet boy. It was scary not knowing what was going on or what was wrong with him, and on top of that we just hated the thought of the poor little guy being in the hospital all alone!

Sick Babies

We just received word that little Malachi and two of the other babies in his orphanage were admitted to the hospital with "cough, cold, and fever." That is all the info we received, and we are of course quite concerned. Please join us in praying for all three of these little ones. I'll update here as soon as we get more news.

It's the Small Things . . .

There's nothing like having a silly toddler around to remind you to live each moment to the fullest and to find joy in the small things in life!

Malachi Update

We were hoping to be in Uganda about now, but we are still waiting. Long story short, we are waiting for a paperwork issue to be cleared up on the Ugandan side of things that we expect will take another couple of weeks. After the paperwork is cleared, we can finally file for court and hopefully be on an airplane to Uganda within a month or so of filing.

It is so hard to wait and frustrating to have delay after delay - there has been a delay in literally EVERY single step of our adoption process thus far! It has been a challenging lesson in trusting in God's sovereignty and believing that He has the perfect time chosen for our little boy to come home. I keep reminding myself that God created our little boy and loves him even more than we do . . . but it is so hard to be patient when your son is on the other side of the world and you can't get to him!

We found out recently that Malachi is younger than we originally were told. We were told back in October that they thought he was born in February, but the date they ended up estimating for him and putting on his birth certificate is in April! So Lord willing, we will get to celebrate his 1st birthday with him either in Uganda or back home!:)

Please be praying (a)for the paperwork issue to be cleared up so that we can file for court, and (b)that we will be issued a court date very quickly once we are filed!

Celebrating Malachi!

A couple of weekends ago, some of my friends completely surprised me with a baby shower for Malachi. Special friends from all diferent parts of my life and from the different places that Scott and I have lived were there, and several even drove from a couple of hours away to come celebrate and anticipate our new son with me. Adoption has been a much more difficult and emotional journey than I expected, and the love, support, and prayers of our wonderful group of friends has meant so much to us.

Diaper Cake:)

A beautiful cake my friend Kelly made (that's right - she MADE it!)

Wonderful friends

Lessons From Parenting

One of the things I have loved about becoming a parent is that it gives me a beautiful and clearer glimpse into the heart of God as a Father. Though on a much smaller level, I get to experience what it is like to have a child that I dearly love. When my son, in his ignorance and inability to see the bigger picture that I can see, wants to run out into the street or climb the stairs alone or eat something hot or do something else that I know is not in his best interest, I reach out in love and prevent him from doing or getting what he wants, even as he pitches a fit and cries for his own way and doesn’t understand why I am withholding something from him that he perceives as good. . . Sound familiar?



How many times do we question God for His timing or for withholding something “good” from us, only to see later that what we had perceived as good was not good for us afterall? We get worried and anxious instead of trusing in the sovereignty of our God.

When my son needs to be disciplined, or when I have to let him learn a lesson the “hard way” by experiencing the consequences of making a bad choice, I so clearly see how discipline or allowing something bad to happen in a person’s life is not an indication of a lack of love, but just the opposite. Parenting children is such a gift in that it allows us to experience just a tiny bit of the Father’s heart as he guides our hearts and instructs us, His beloved children.

This parenting experience has affected me most in how I pray and in my commitment to seek a relationship with Christ. When Javen was just a couple months old, I was rocking him in his room and thinking about God’s heart as a parent, and a thought occurred to me:
How would I feel if my child did everything I asked him to do, tried to please me as much as he could, and even told people about how much he loved me . . . but rarely or never spent time talking to me and didn’t desire or cultivate a relationship with me?. . .
. . . or what if he spent 20 minutes talking to me in the morning and then checked me off his list and ignored me for the rest of the day? . . .
. . . or if he only spoke to me when he needed something from me?

There have been plenty of times in my life – and still are way too many days – when I know I grieve the heart of my Father by treating my relationship with Him like that, and I am so grateful first, for His mercy and grace toward me in those times, and second, that being a parent has given me the very humbling opportunity to view myself a little bit more as God must view me and to get a clearer and better picture of the loving kindness of my Heavenly Father.

Friends who are parents or who spend a lot of time with children – how has parenting drawn you closer to God or affected your perspective?