We are finally making plans to bring our precious new son home! As Malachi's parents and forever family, we are committed to doing what we believe is best to help him thrive. This will take a lot of work on our part and understanding and cooperation from everyone around us. Because you care for our family, we want to share the following information to help you assist us in laying a strong and healthy emotional foundation for Malachi.
FORMING ATTACHMENT. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time. In a normal parent/child relationship, when a child communicates a physical or emotional need, a parent meets the need and soothes the child. This attachment cycle repeats over and over again, creating a trusting and secure relationship between the child and her parents. By God's design, a foundation of attachment is laid in the tiniest of babies that will profoundly impact their behavior, learning, health, emotions, relationships, and values for the rest of their lives.
INTERRUPTIONS IN ATTACHMENT. Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this attachment process. The loss of biological parents at an early age is a major trauma on their little hearts, whether they are a few weeks or several years old. Spending time in an orphanage with a rotation of caretakers disrupts the attachment process even further.
RECREATING ATTACHMENT. In his first two months with me (Whitney), Malachi has adjusted wonderfully but is understandably overwhelmed. He has lost the only caregivers that he remembers, and everything around him is new and different. He is just beginning to learn about his environment, love, and family; he did not experience God's design for a family in an orphanage setting for his last 14 months of life. The best way for Scott and me to form a parent/child bond with Malachi is to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, kiss, instruct, soothe, and feed him for these first few months at home. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. During this time, as part of the "cocooning" process, Malachi will have structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us that is different than a child who enters a family at birth. Please be assured that we did not make these decisions lightly: our adjustment and parenting plan has been thoughtfully made based on many months of prayer, education, and research.
As we promptly and consistently meet all of his needs in a predictable, secure environment, Malachi will learn that
we are his parents, that the world is a good place, that his needs make sense, and that he can trust us to meet his needs and love him deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn parent/child connection. After Malachi establishes this important bond with us, he will be able to form other meaningful relationships and modulate his emotions, and – Lord willing – grow into a healthy, well-adjusted, Godly young man, notwithstanding the challenges in his little life that brought him to us.
HOW YOU MAY HELP. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Malachi hugged, cuddled, and cherished by ALL of you (he is, after all, totally irresistible!). Until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, however, we would be grateful if you would limit your physical contact with him and redirect him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection, or comfort. Sharing this request is difficult for us because we do not want to seem ungrateful for how well all of you have loved our family and prayed for this sweet boy for the past year, but it is necessary because of Malachi's circumstances.
Please set physical boundaries. It is important that other adults refrain from what is typically considered normal physical contact with Malachi. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. Children who have spent time in an orphanage are inclined to superficially attach to anyone and everyone, which hinders their most important primary relationship with their new parents. By setting physical boundaries as the adult, you will help Malachi learn the difference between you and us. Waving, blowing kisses, and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome! Please redirect Malachi’s desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone else (including family, friends, and strangers), to having Scott or me meet them until primary attachments have been established.
RISK. If we seem overly focused on this topic, we are: this is too important to get wrong. Children who fail to establish a healthy bond with their parents may suffer the rest of their lives with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which causes severe interpersonal and behavioral difficulties into adulthood. While we want to let you hold and love on Malachi, the risk is too great these first few months, and the potential consequences too devastating. We hope that you will understand and support us in making these tough choices for Malachi’s long term well-being.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many friends and loved ones around us. Thank you again for your love, prayers, and support during our adoption journey. We have been incredibly blessed by all of you during these past months and appreciate your support as we adjust to life as a family of four!
